How to deal with Chaos and other things?

In this age and day, you couldn’t be honest because your own definition of honesty is fucked up. Honesty does not need proof, it relies on trust. You being honest means you are telling what you know, without any bias. Now the receiver may perceive your honesty as a lie, because they don’t know how to trust you or they have questions which you are not ready to answer. No communication — chaos.

What do you do? Write about it.

Not able to just-say-anything is a chronic non-communicable pandemic. What would they think of me? Would they judge me? Could I be honest (haha!)? I haven’t said anything in a long time, would we talk about real stuff or just small/surface talk about weather and coffee or weekend? Na..aah, I’ll just buy stuff to make myself feel better or look at the blue skies and yellow flowers all day, I’d have time to ponder on important problems like what am I doing with my life or how short will be the life of our coming generations because I took a long hot-water shower today. Who needs people anyway, there are like billions of us…

I am surrounded by long-distance and distant groups of friends and family. Loneliness creeps in, it appears no one is there. I don’t register buildings or vehicles anymore in my head, sometimes few trees here and there or a dog. Yeah, I know I can call them and tell them all about it but I don’t know that they would actually listen to what I have to say or something wouldn’t just come up suddenly that they need to attend, or their hand and ear would get tired or eyes, if we were on video. I am aware that by saying words you can take up space in someone else’s mind and choosing words carefully is becoming less and less my fortè. The more I read, the more I feel prejudiced for people who don’t.

The world is getting full of loud noises and we are growing immune to deafening cries of help. No one pays attention, no one thinks for themselves, corporates are taking over the world, and there is a huge divide between providers and consumers. No matter what you do, your brain damage is irreparable.

I am tired. Tired of thinking and not be able to conjure any courage to go out and feel better. There is no will, there is no looking forward. I want to give up therapy, its costing me a fortune but I don’t know if I can do without it. I know this post might worry people, but I don’t care anymore. Don’t call me. You can’t do anything.

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